Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
🌲😼
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Admin smashed it 😂
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”