Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
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Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.