Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist