Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.