Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”