Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married