Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL