Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Ion see the issue
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Just a bush.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent