Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.