Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating for two.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

💀🤣

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.