Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Great Canadian literature.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH