Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
23. the denim jacket
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.