Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”


I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams


[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?


Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.


A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.


Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”


Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937

With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch


My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.


doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out