Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

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My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.


Lawyer: The defense rests
Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal?
Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like “you’re a butthole”
Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle


[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy


How to get laid:

HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.


Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?


I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.


I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.


[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories


Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?



I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.