@brettryland

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

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@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@SortaBad

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

@LindaInDisguise

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

@bestlizard

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

@Tmoney68

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

@USMCSDI

Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937

With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

@mommywhitfield

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

@pilau

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out