Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Whatβs the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know itβs not seven
Apparently, βover-the-counter medicationβ doesnβt mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Recipes be like youβll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, itβs gonna cost $125
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
if you have a roomba but donβt dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dadβs masterpiece
“Please! Thereβs no need to interact with me. Iβm just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Iβll never forget the day we met. Thatβs the great thing about police records
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos