Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.