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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
mathematically impossible
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.