reduce, reuse, recycle
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
two people or more is called a problem
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.