Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”