Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
You Might Also Like
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.