Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I’m Sold!
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting