Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I love twitter
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
work smarter, not harder
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.