@Donna_McCoy

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

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@girl_a_whirl

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

@ShortSleeveSuit

ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive

@ThRealBallsDeep

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

@FrogAvalanche

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

@AristotlesNZ

This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

@kcmoore51

*puts arm around you*

You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.

*steals your pizza*

@NOTVIKING

date: so what are your hobbies?

me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight

@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.