Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds
ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive
<at a baptism>
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
*puts arm around you*
You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.
*steals your pizza*
date: so what are your hobbies?
me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight
cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.