Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first


Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut


Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?


saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming


I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”


i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too


Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.


If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn’t followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn’t that bad.