Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
yeah not falling for this one
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Managing expectations
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot