Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.