Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

🪶

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.