Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goldfish mafia

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.