Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?