[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
nature’s most graceful animal
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Ape together strong
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.