[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

You Might Also Like


I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob


“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.


Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other


[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.


Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.


It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.


If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?


GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..


Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this


My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times