@murrman5

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

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@Jessberrie

I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob

@Ms_Shazam

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

@withanewname

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@SoulYodeler

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.

@NakedHangover

If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?

@huntigula

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

@SamuraiCorndog

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

@_Tempo11

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times