I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You Might Also Like
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.
If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times