[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Seek kebab; not attention
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.