Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

I think my mom just blocked me

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

My flabber has been gasted.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…