Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm