Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
No regrets in 2018
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.