Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears