Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.