Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

*Seductively hides in the woods

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something