*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)