[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
i hope my email finds you on fire
relationship goals
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight