[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.