Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker