Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.