Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Stop correcting my vodkabulary