Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting