Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Does it…does it take 3 days
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Otters see a butterfly.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”