Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?