Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
me watching my own Instagram story
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.