Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.