*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
and now we wait
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”