@nyquills

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

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@MunkMania

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@zachheltzel

Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.

@trojansauce

daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip

@Scimommy

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

@ClichedOut

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@MrsMikePatton

Maybe if we press “2” for Spanish, we’ll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the “1” line.