Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
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Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
