Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
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You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…