Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time