Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]