Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Me trying to “trust the process”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy