People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.