“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
weddings should have a worst man
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
