“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
