Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
