Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
