Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
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Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”