Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.