Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.