Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Isn’t

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Orange cat behavior 😂

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?