Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Happy weekend !
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.