Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim