@laura_payton

Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.

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@KayArePea

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

@Cpin42

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

@jensenmarie_

GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN:
1. Lose parents, inherit everything
2. Let people get murdered
3. Never murder the Joker cause he’s the best at puns

@NewDadNotes

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

@portmanteauface

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

@dumbbeezie

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

@SvnSxty

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

@TheFearBoners

Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.

@tbhjuststop

*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate