Are we there yet?…
Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.
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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN:
1. Lose parents, inherit everything
2. Let people get murdered
3. Never murder the Joker cause he’s the best at puns
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.
*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”
Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate