Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..