Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Need this in my life lol
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
