Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Mmmm canned fish.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
