Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…