Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.