Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

constantly working on myself.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.