@stephenjmolloy

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

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@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

@shadygeekdad

Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.

@truegritrumble

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

@julie2288

I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.

@okmatchhead

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@aotakeo

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.