Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.