Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.