Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.