Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

Limited budget

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?