Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

courtroom exchange of the day

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

*names my little horse OneTrick*