Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
So inspired right now.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.